The Road Not Taken

All I wanted to be when I grew up was a marine biologist. I could think of nothing greater than a life on the ocean, surrounded by sun and salt air, studying the life within it. But then on a middle school field trip, I got up the nerve to ask the lovely female trainer at Sea World how much they make. She was a very attractive woman, risking her life several times a day performing with killer whales. I was shocked by her answer, so much so that I began to doubt all the goals in my young life.

I was a great student. School came almost too easily for me, and I still crave some form of constant learning. I poured myself into books for days on end. I imagined the lives of these characters improved by my own hand, mentally rewriting chapters and endings as I went along. Perhaps literary fiction was my fate. Two college English courses later, I was again without a definable goal. My first declared major was education, but the calling was faint and distant. I might have made a good college professor, but I lacked the drive to work my way up to that position with years spent in public schools.  

In a brazen move, I joined the Army to see the world at seventeen. I dreamed of traveling the seven continents, gathering amazing stories and experiences along the way. The Army's needs were somewhat more practical, sending me a mere 500 miles from home for most of my three year enlistment. Disillusioned would be the most accurate description for my remaining teen years. And before I knew it, my time was up and my future was once again in my own hands.




I had always been drawn to the Arts, a crafty and creative side inherited from my grandmother. Although starving artist was not a fantastic option, there were fringe careers within the Arts that held appeal. My first choice was interior decorator. What could be better than shopping with other people's money for a living? But it turned out that years of specialized schooling were required, along with a mastery of salesmanship (that I certainly lacked at twenty) in order to be successful. And I vastly preferred to work without supervision, seeing little joy in needing the constant approval and feedback of the clients. Instead, I took a string of jobs in retail.

Fast forward a few decades. Thousands of borrowed educational dollars and two degrees later, here I am. Self-employed and approaching middle age. Running two small businesses that sell products and services, require creativity, constant feedback and buyer approval. I admit that I have no idea how I got here. The career path has been dark, muddy, and heavily wooded most of the time. More than once, it has circled back on itself and dead-ended at cliffs without golden parachutes.

I learned a few things about myself along the way. First, I am a lousy employee, albeit in deceptive packaging. I am smart, moderately attractive, reasonably well-educated and well-spoken, and a quick learner. I go into most jobs seeing flaws to be fixed and company ways to be improved. I admit to being something of a know-it-all, at least in my own mind. I can count on one hand the number of supervisors I've had that I believed were smarter than me.

Second, I'm not really a fan of criticism from others. I recognize that I am deeply flawed, a chronic procrastinator and have ADD. I also hate mornings - except when I am on vacation. Which leads me to believe that it's not the hour of the day, but more the requirement to watch a clock and meet the needs of countless others in my pre-coffee, semi-wakeful state. As an employee, I'm not really productive until after lunch.

Other life choices forced me to be an ambitious, responsible wage earner, and to seek out the traditional work week. I've tried very hard to shoe-horn my stubborn, willful, sometimes reckless self into respectable suits. The results range from comical to sadly misguided to outright train wrecks. To those bosses, I owe a heartfelt apology, though they aren't likely to take my calls just yet.

Looking back, I suspect I would have made a great actress. These "roles" I took on over the years were quite convincing for about twelve to eighteen months each. Shortly after that, however, the roles would become a burden and lose their appeal to me. And at that point, I just stopped trying to impress people. I grew jaded and cynical, seeing the inevitable disparities in every work situation as unbearable, and would promptly thereafter move on to the next. Sometimes these were good, upward moves. But mostly they were bizarre, unpredictable jags into the unknown, for no apparent reason other than I hadn't tried that yet.

Self-examination can be a scary thing. You may learn things about yourself that you both didn't want to know and yet aren't willing to change. For some of us, the nouns of our childhood have been magically reconnected by social media. The places, people and things that made me who I am today, and I had marginally forgotten them along the way. For me, this led to an "AHA" moment as Oprah likes to put it. If being near the ocean is what calms me and brings me peace in my toughest times, why don't I live near one? If writing is not only cathartic but an actual passion, why haven't I tried that role yet? If traveling makes me happier than the sense of security from owning my own home, why do I barely leave the house?   


In these turbulent years of unsteady economies, with looming disasters at every turn, I remain immensely and profoundly grateful. For the paths that have brought me here, exactly where I am, at this exact moment in my life. For the family that has been simultaneously a blessing, a burden and a curse. For the many bosses who tolerated me (for twelve to eighteen months). For the most wonderful circle of friends, whom I can never adequately repay, for preserving what little sanity I have left. But above them all, weaving and intertwining these in the most amazing way, I am grateful to God. And to Facebook, His most delightful gift thus far.

So now that you've gotten to know me, I pledge that future blogs will be lighter, shorter and hopefully, funnier. There will be serious topics. I may occasionally rant. I write around the clock, so there will be silliness and fluff too. I welcome your comments, and yes, even your feedback and approval. If you suddenly decide that we are soul mates and should run away together to Bali, I ask that you refrain from posting until you've bought the tickets and booked the hotel rooms. My journey has begun. I hope that you'll join me...